REFLECTIONS

Las Vegas, Photo (c) Jim Doty, Jr.

Intervention and Violence

So when do you intervene in the lives of total strangers? I saw a man beating a women in a car in a parking lot. What would you do?

It was December 26, the day after Christmas, and I was going to take advantage of the after Christmas sales. I was in a great mood. Our children would be arriving late that night and we would celebrate Christmas the next day.

I parked my car and headed toward Kohl's. Three persons came out of a nearby music store and headed for their car. There was a middle aged woman (MAW), a young man (YM) and a young woman. My guess was the MAW was the mother and the YM and YW were either married, boyfriend and girlfriend, or brother and sister. The YM was yelling and angry.

YM: "She called me stupid at the check out counter. I'm going to beat her when we get home."

MAW: "No you aren't."

YM: "She had no right no make me look dumb in front of all of those people."

MAW: "You are 20 years old. It is about time you grew up and acted like a man."

YM: "I'm going to beat her like you used to beat me when I was little."

MAW: "You are not!"

YM: " . . . . . ." (Expletives deleted.)

They are now at their car and I am opening the door at Kohl's.

Two young woman were standing just outside Kohl's door, waiting for a ride. As I walked in the door, one of the young women exclaimed "Oh my God, look!" and she pointed.

I stepped back outside and looked. The young man was in the driver's seat, reaching over into the back seat and beating the young woman with closed fists. The middle aged woman, sitting next to him was trying to stop him and receiving some of the blows herself.

I headed for the car, not quite sure what I would do when I got there. It is dangerous enough interferring in someone else's domestic fight. The three people in the car were of a different race than me, further complicating the situation. But two women were being hit, someone had to do something.

As I headed toward the car, about 200 feet away, I grabbed my mobile phone, thinking about calling the police.

I got part way to the car when an elderly woman got out of a car that was very close to the fight. She was the same race as the three people inside the car. She walked up to the car, started pounding on the hood of the car, and I mean really POUNDING. She yelled, " YOU STOP THAT! YOU CUT THAT OUT! YOU STOP THAT NOW!"

The young man quit hitting the other two, threw the car into gear and drove off in a rage, tires spinning and gravel flying. He almost hit the woman who had been yelling at him.

God bless that woman. That wonderful, spunky, sixty-something, grandmotherly-looking woman. She went instantly into action. I was impressed. She got back into her car and left. If I could have, I would have thanked her.

I also had knots in my stomach. Partly because of what I had just watched. Growing up in the 50's, I was taught that a man never hit a woman, no matter what. Not everyone in my generation lives by that "life commandment" but I have. The knot was also there because what the two women would face when they get home.

But the sick feeling in my guts was also due to me and the unknown. What if that woman hadn't been there.? What would I have done or said when I got to the car? How would the young man have reacted? If I had called the police on the way to the car, odds are they would not be anywhere around when I got there. What if the young man had a gun in the car? Fear. Uncertainty. What ifs. Doubt. And inside the car, Violence and Rage.

It took a while for the knot to go away. Almost a month later, I still think back to that incident.

My children did arrive late that same evening, and we had a wonderful Christmas celebration the next day. I thank God for my children and the kind of young adults they have become.

A few days later I wrote a little about Christmas amd what it means to me (see below or in the archives for the December 31 entry). I think about lots of joy filled Christmas memories. And I think about the parking lot moment and about violence in our world, and women and men who suffer. What a contrast.

This I know, the world needs more people like that courageous woman.

"Thy Kingdom come! Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10

Black Rhinoceros, Photo (c) Jim Doty, Jr.

PHISHING, COMPUTER WORM

Protect your personal information. Scroll down to the January 28 post at my photo blog. Information on the new computer worm, "MyDoom," is posted on the same date.

Angela, Photo (c) Jim Doty, Jr.

SNOW SHOVELING ETHICS

As a child, I was taught that I should always shovel several feet of snow off of each of our adjacent neighbor's sidewalks. "It is the nice thing to do."

In Colorado, we got a lot of snow and we did not have a powered snowblower. I'm not sure anyone else on our block owned one either. This meant shoveling snow really was work and I was tired enough that when our walk and driveway was finished, the thought of shoveling a few feet of our adjacent neighbors sidewalks was not appealing. My parents insisted that it was the neighborly thing to do.

I noticed that the neighbors would always shovel a few feet of our walk if they were out there first. It soon occured to me that if I put off shoveling long enough, the neighbors whould shovel first and my job would be easier. I thought of it as "practical" more than "selfish". This notion didn't fly at all with my parents, I would be "taking advantage of my neighbors". If it was my turn to shovel, I was to be out there before my neighbors at least half the time if not more.

Now it looked to me like keeping score. Did I do my neighbor's sidewalks as often as they did ours? But my folks said it was not a matter of keeping score, it was a matter of "being thoughtful". They told me keeping score often leads to frustration, disappointment, and even being upset. I bet some marriage counselors would say amen to that. (I should add that we are talking about doing nice things for one another and not about basic fairness in relationships. Some people are basically unfair with others and we need to becareful in our dealings them - - a different topic altogether.)

It dawned on me over time that my folks were teaching me a lot more than just the ethics of snow shoveling. It had more to do with kindness and generosity. One wonderful snow day with no school, it snowed until the early afternoon. Instead of doing just a few feet, I did our neighbor's entire sidewalks. I did it for the joy of the surprise they would have when they got home from work. I was "getting" the lesson I was being taught, not just in snow shoveling, but in life.

It snowed a lot the night before last, and both of my neighbors shoveled before I did. I looked outside and one neighbor had cleared the extra 10 feet of my sidewalk between his property line and my driveway. My neighbor on the other side had done another 7 or 8 feet of my walk. Not good I thought to myself. The scorekeeper had reared its ugly head. Then I reminded myself, "It is not about keeping score, it is about being nice." It is ok to let my neighbors be nice to me.

It snowed again last night and my neighbors left for the day without clearing their sidewalks. I fired up the snowblower (aren't they wonderful!) and I did my sidewalk and driveway, and then I ran all the way up and down the full length of my neighbor's sidewalks. It was fun. It was good to do. It is also much easier with a snowblower and a hand shovel.

I am still trying to live by those lessons learned while growing up in Colorado. It is, after all, not about shoveling snow. It is about life. Whether it is neighbors, friends, or husband and wife, it is blessed to give joyfully. It is also blessed to receive graciously.

Melissa in High School

REALITY TV

Melissa met a "reality show" celebrity yesterday.

Some of you may remember a show with a title that was something like "Will You Marry Our Dad." Don, a single man in a good place financially, spent time with and dated a number of women. At the end of each round his children (they are grown up) decided which woman would be eliminated. Theoretically, the last woman and Don would fall in love and get married. I was impressed with his children and agreed with most of their choices until the last one. In my opinion, they might have been unduly swayed at the end by who DON wanted instead of who THEY thought was best for him.

Melissa met Don at work yesterday. He stopped at the clinic to visit his step mother who works with Melissa. He is just as bald and tan as he looked on the TV show. He is VERY physically fit.

The show was taped in just three weeks with the edited TV episodes strung out over several weeks time. Don said all of the emotions you saw on the show were real.

Three weeks of taping edited down to several hours worth of TV leaves out a lot. During the taping, the producers brought in the ex-boyfriends of the women. The point was for them to fill Don in on what each of these women is like. Things got so nasty between the women and their ex-boyfriends that none of that was aired on the show.

Don really liked the lie detector guy. The fellow running the lie detector has his own private detective agency. If you watched the show, lie detector tests were periodically given to the various women, one of the highlights of the show. A lot was revealed about the women as Don's kids grilled them during the tests. I remember questions like "Are you falling for our dad?" (answer: yes), and "Would you date our dad if he wasn't so financially well off?" (the truth was she wouldn't and she was eliminated).

Don said that, although the feelings portrayed on the show were real, none of the women really were "right" for him as a marriage partner, so he is still looking.

Melissa said it was obvious why the producers picked him for the show. He is very likable, easy to talk to and communicates well.

Don was in in town yesterday for a blind date. He lives a few hours away. As you may have guessed, he quit dating the "finalist" sometime after the show was taped. After TV, he is back to reality.

When I watched the show, it occurred to me that Don put a lot of trust in the choices of his children. As Melissa and I talked about the show last night, an interesting thought came to me relative to our own children (I am working up to a complement).

I am not single, or tall, or bald (thank goodness), or tanned, handsome, and "very physically fit" - nor do I want to be (well, maybe handsome and fit). But if I was all of those things, I would NOT go on a reality TV show like "Will You Marry Our Dad." That is not my cup of tea. But if I WAS on such a show, I know that I think very highly of our children and I would trust the wisdom of their collective judgment.

Fortunately for all of us, I made a very wise choice 35 years ago this winter. My children don't need to pick out a wife for me. Now if I can just figure out how to be tall and handsome.

Well, back to reality.